Misery Business
by LadyDreamSpeed
Summary: An idea that I was thinking about from my life, decided to thrash it out through twilight fanfic, Edwards journey in realization of his sexuality, and how he meets the love of his life, Jacob, and the complexities that come from it.
1. Brick by Boring Brick

Misery Business

Brick By Boring Brick

The idea of love or friendship in high school is disgustingly obsolete. The idea that someone who you've been best friends with for over five years will accept anything you tell them in stride is sadly, pathetic. You probably think that this angry tirade is an over reaction to a misunderstanding with my friend. You're wrong. In so many ways that you can't even fathom. The anger I feel towards the innocence of a high school dream is not misplaced. My deep tragedy doesn't just revolve around lost love or broken friendships. It is a series of twisted characters laughing around me like a may pole, enjoying the misery that drowned me. This is the story of the two years of hell that began to clear with the arrival of my own personal sun to burn away the fog of doubt that surrounded me. This is the story of how I fell in love with Jacob.

It's amazing the illusions that you can hold around yourself and the people that surround you. All my life I had thought I was straight. The idea of liking men wasn't horrifying to me as it was to the other males in my age group, but I always had assumed I was attracted to men. This idea persisted even though I was constantly accused of being gay. Granted I had always known that I was more in touch with my feminine side then the male counterparts in my class, I had never once second guessed my sexuality. Though knitting, girlie music, cross stitch, and purple had always been close to my heart, I never thought of these as "indicators" of my sexual preference, like my family had done.

That all changed at the end of my freshmen year. Bowing down to my parents wishes, and my own love of theatricality, I joined Forks' annual school musical. My best friend, Seth Clearwater, was in it too. Seth and I had so much fun running around set in chorus numbers, flirting with girls, and doing our best to overshadow the rest of the cast. While my heart was still aching for one girl, Angela, Seth managed to fool around with almost all of the junior girls in the cast. Seth and I grew so close we started being able to talk to each other without uttering a word, through simple means of eye-contact and eyebrow movement.

One day in the back of the room during English, we were messing around and ignoring our teachers daily drone on the lack of proper grammar that was implemented in schools. While being very disrespectful, I teasingly stole Seth's super expensive "calming" bracelet that his mom got him. Giving him crap about his mom wasting good money on trash that fat business men were trying pawn off on ignorant people, I slipped the bracelet on my right wrist without even thinking about it. The bell rang instantaneously, and I bolted out the door to my next class, Math, with the hope I could cause Seth distress over his missing bracelet.

Math that day was boring, we were attempting to learn something about matrices, which I could have done in my sleep, and in a have dazed stupor, my subconscious feelings began to rise to the top of my stream of thought. Staring at the bracelet, I came to the sudden realization that I wanted this bracelet on my wrist. I NEEDED it to be there, and from the bottom of my very shallow heart, I wanted to be coveted by Seth in the exact same way that treated this bracelet. I wanted to be encircled by his strong tan arms and have him whisper how much he loved me in my ear.

All through my lunch period, I thought about how this fact was going to impact me, and about how disgusting it was that I was so worked up over this damn bracelet. It shouldn't be sending tingly feelings up my arm and down my spine, I thought. I contemplated the fact that I felt as though I was in one of those horrible Disney Channel movies, I had fallen in love with my best friend, and the end of the world was definitely coming. In the end I decided something was probably making me feel this way, like my Prozac had bumped the serotonin levels in my brain just a little too much, if you catch my drift.

However that all changed the instant Seth tackled me for his bracelet, and my day dream from algebra was coming true. Throwing all the facts out the window, the fact that I thought I was hopelessly in love with Angela, out the window. That was the moment that I, Edward Cullen, realized I liked men.

Who knew that this was just the beginning of my own personal hell?

Well? Whatcha think? I'd like some feedback before I update again,

Lots of Love, SpeedStock2011/LadyDreamSpeed


	2. Ignorance

Disclaimer: Don't Own Twilight…just having some fun with its characters :P

AN: Wanted to let you know that I'm sorry about all the grammar errors in the first chapter, I'm working on a new version with the specific verse I used as insperation from Brick by Boring Brick. Also I don't intend this to be a Paramore based fic, it's just unfortunate that their new album explores a lot of the same emotions I'm getting from Edward…any who…enjoy!

Lady DreamSpeeeD

Ignorance

This is the best thing that could've happened

Any longer and I wouldn't have made it

It's not a war, no; it's not a rapture

I' m just a person but you can't take it

The same tricks that, that once fooled me

They won't get you anywhere

I'm not the same kid from you memory

Well now I can fend for myself

Wrapping my head around being attracted to Seth was something I couldn't handle by myself. After a night of agony and self-denial, I wound up having to sit in the smelly lobby of Carlisle's hospital until Esme could come pick me up and drive me to school.

Continuing with the self-contemplation, I decided that this was too much of a decision to make with out talking it over with someone. Being my young, naïve self, I was terrified of talking to Esme about it, even though I knew she could care less if I was into boys or not, I mean my parents have always be pro-gay marriage and their best friends from college were a gay couple that were currently living in Seattle. So it wasn't the worry of my mother's acceptance, it was the simple fact that I was a teenager; and talking about sexual preference with my mother was as terrifying as the Grudge. In fact, at that point in my life, a spirit haunting me probably would have been preferable over having the "Talk" with Esme.

Anyway back to the point. So instead of talking to my very loving and mother, I decided to shoot a text to my best friend Bella. Bella was "that girl," and I don't mean that in the good way.

Bella was a complete and utter rebel. She despised authority, and broke every rule she could get away with breaking. She had had sex for the first time when she was just thirteen, and it had been with a nineteen year old. She was in every way the stereotypical 'Emo" kid. From the scars peppering her arms and legs, to the fact that the brightest color I had ever seen her in was dark crimson on top of black and grey.

However the state of mind she was in nor the ring of eyeliner around her eyes didn't matter to me. We both hated one thing above all else. We hated being categorized. The fact that I'm calling her an "Emo" kid now isn't meant in the limited way, but the fact that society rejected her. It also rejected me.

So the logical thing to do that fateful morning was to shoot her a text. I had no qualms about dropping a bombshell, so my message simply read, "Bella, I think I'm Bi," the response was almost instantaneous.

"I KNEW IT! I'VE KNOW FOR SO FREAKING LONG," This is of course not what I wanted to hear so I angrily responded to her.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean Bella, I didn't text you to be made fun of, I need your help :," god I was so mad at her, all my life I had been put into the pocket of "Gay" because of societal restrictions on gender roles. Bella was supposed to know that better than anyone else, and here she was making me cry because I had shared something unbelievably personal, and she made fun of me for it.

I was wiping my teardrops of the screen of my phone when the next text popped up, "I'm sorry, but it was the truth, we'll talk once we get to school, don't worry, I won't judge you, EVER."

The text message calmed me down enough for me to gather my composure just before Esme walked through the shiny sliding glass doors into the smelly lobby. I gave a genuine smile to her as I picked up my backpack, and we walked to the car, and sped off to school.

Bella and I didn't see each other till lunch, when she invited me to go across campus to eat at the college, I knew she wanted to talk about my rather unexpected news that morning, or I guess to her it wasn't that unexpected.

However I hadn't realized that she had invited Taylor, another one of our close friends. I shot Bell a confused look, to which I received a cold shrug. I brooded the whole way to Sexton, the college's fast food style cafeteria. I walked away from the girls as soon as we got through the door and got myself some comfort food. As usual for my dramatic-moment-just-happened-need-tasty-food-moment, I got myself some chicken fingers, fries, a cookies-n-cream bar, and gigantic Dr. Pepper, and sat down at a small table in the back of the commons. The girls came and sat down, interrupting my binge feeding fest and my inner rejoicing of going to high school on a college campus.

Before I could say anything, Taylor blurted out, "I already know, I stole Bella's phone," and with that she gave me a hesitant smile and told me, "Sorry." With out bothering to say that it was ok I simply looked and Bella and raised an eyebrow.

"What was I supposed to do?" she said as an answer to my unasked question, "I honestly thought she was playing Tetris, till I heard her gasp, I'm sorry but this is so not my fault," and with that I was reduced to giggles at their brazen honesty, and quickly explained everything to them.

They took it all in stride and told me not to worry about being confused about my sexuality. They assured me that I wouldn't tell a soul till I was ready, and we spent the rest of lunch gossiping.

Who knew that thanks to those two girls, my life would end up nastier than a train derailment? Who knew that my "best friend" would blame me for Jessica blabbing her fat mouth and telling the whole school how much of a slut Bella was? Who knew that they would track me down and beat the shit out of me for spreading "lies" about Bella around the school? Who knew that they would tell everyone and a half about me developing a crush on Seth? Who knew that they would personally tell Seth that I'd like him forever and that all the "guy stuff" like wrestling was ruse to be able to touch him? Who knew that my "best friends" would make damn sure that my best guy friend gave me a black eye for the simple act of loving him, and uncontrollable reaction to his kindness? Who knew I would sink into a dark whole and attempt suicide five times? Who knew my school would do nothing about it, no matter what my parents did.

Who knew that I wouldn't be able to trust anyone for over a year?

AN: Sorry I know it was pretty intense but I'd love some feed back and things will pick up soon I promise the next update should be sometime next week hopefully, please kick the magic button and tell me if I did ok… even if it's just a simple good job!

Love y'all dearly

Lady DreamSpeeD


	3. Careful

AN: Ok I know I fail at picking non-paramore songs as inspiration but I had a really hard choice with this chapter title, you see there is an OC y'all are going to meet that has a song that's her name, I would have picked that song but ok…Edward obviously is not going to fall in love with her… anyone know a Jacob song? PS Jacob will be showing up next chapter :P love you all dearly… and tada!

Don't Own Twilight, why would I want to? Much rather own Harry Potter, or Dracula, or Wuthering Heights…

The truth never set me free

So I did it myself

You can't be too careful anymore

When all that is waiting for you

Won't come any closer

You've got to reach a little more, more

Careful

It had been over a year sense my so-called best friend completely ruined my life, and you know that's no exaggeration. It was August Sixth, and Vans Warped tour is coming to Tacoma and my friends that I was planning on going with blew me off, thanks a lot guys. and I began to brain storm who to take with me. I went through all the people in Forks, and the only person I somewhat trusted was Rhiannon.

Rhiannon was the star athlete of the very small school that is Forks High, she had actually gone to state twice, and this following year is going to be her senior one, and she I was sure she was gonna rock it. She was kind of a social outcast but then again, I always have been one too. I remember we used to hang out in middle school, but she went to high school a year before me and that efficiently ended our mini-friendship.

However I was super desperate for someone to come with me so I flipped out my phone and quickly dialed her number, "Hey Edward what's up?" she's psychic I swear, or maybe she just looked at her phone, but whatever.

"Hey Rhiannon, listen I've got a ticket to warped and I need someone to come with me, is that something that catches your interest?" I asked, praying that she would say yes to me.

"Did you win the tickets or something?"

"Yeah, why are you asking?"

"Oh well I would just feel bad if you bought a forty dollar ticket, I would want to pay you back, but yeah sure I'll come, are you gonna drive?" Rhiannon was always been short and to the point, sometimes she's almost too frank, but there we go, the name Rhiannon comes with some of that I think. I mean you don't get to be a welsh/witch/queen/horse goddess without being a super strong woman, so maybe the Welch goddess passed some of her spunk on to Rhiannon, or she just grew up sassy, who knows?

We quickly figured out a plan to car pool, and after I hung up, I began to regret my decision. You see, it wasn't that Rhiannon wasn't awesome, or that I was worried about the two-hour drive to Tacoma. It was the fact that ever since Bella had committed the utmost betrayal in outing me, I had such a hard time trusting anyone. It was like I had a broken heart, like it was more like an awful case of baggage from a bad break up, but whatever it was, I definitely needed to work on my trust issues.

The two-hour drive turned out to be the best part of the day. Rhiannon and I spent the whole two hours gossiping and trashing slutty girls at our school (including Bella, nothing like a go Bella Bashing to make your day bright…) and rocking out to the bands we were going to get to go see, Breathe Carolina, The Maine, The White Tie Affair, 3oh!3, and of course Saosin. It turned out to be worth the early getting up time, because when we got to the park, we quickly got in the front of the line, and started soaking up a rare display of vitamin D from the sun.

Scoring some awesome vouchers to go backstage to meet a band of our choice, thanks to my awesome super fan trivia skills, I quickly dragged Rhiannon to the Maine's bus and we (well really just me) waited for them to emerge from the bus. Eventually John O. came out of the bus and invited us in. We entered the bus to find the five boys freezing on their assorted bunks. This was absolutely hilarious sense it was 85 degrees out side, but you know how these wimpy people from phoenix are when it drops bellow 110…

Even though sufficient awkward silence persisted for several minutes, Jared broke the tension by asking us why we picked their band instead of one of the bigger names on warped tour, like 30h!3. Rhiannon looked at me, and raised an eyebrow, I understood the silent queue and quickly spoke up," Well, uh, your music has spoken to me clearer than any other band I've ever listened to and yeah," I said stupidly, looking at my toes. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse…

"He's also in love with Garrett." Wow Rhiannon could really use some sense of decorum, looking back on it now, it was perfect, I caused Garrett to blush and the rest of the band cracked up. Quickly falling into a discussion headed in a different direction, the awkwardness passed, leaving me only with the inability to look directly at Garrett.

We spent the rest of the day with the Maine; I found myself falling into a sense of comfort that was alarming to me. I honestly didn't know if it was a good thing for me to be falling into this lull of security. I still trusted no one, even though Rhiannon was gaining ground on my trust far to quickly for my liking.

After all craziness of the day, me and Rhiannon walked back to my Junker, and on the two hour ride back to Forks, Rhiannon finally broke the ice, "Edward, I know you are scared to trust me, but I want you to, and I want you to tell me everything that made you this way," she leaned over and looked me in the eyes, "this isn't the Edward I remember."

And so I told her everything, from the betrayal to the heartache. From the fury to the tears and she listened without a trace of pity in her eyes, and keeping a level head told me that she was sorry, without a trace of pain in voice, only sympathy.

"Well I will never do that to you Edward, and more importantly, I think we need to find you a man," and with that Rhiannon jumped out of the car, and made her way up the drive way with the biggest smile on her face.

That night I thought about how it way past time for me to begin trusting the people around me. I made up my mind to pursue this friendship with Rhiannon, and that I would put every effort into it. With that thought I drifted off to sleep wanting the next to weeks of summer to end quickly.

AN: okay I'm super sorry this took awhile to update, and its short and I know it's starting out really slow but this plot is not presenting itself nicely and I need sometime to work out the kinks on how fast I want it to move, school starts next chapter and you will meet Jacob for the first time, warning, he's kind of a jerk, and there will be continued Bella bashing, next chapter should be longer, I'm shooting for over Two-Thousand words, love ya all plz review…

Lady DreamSpeeD.


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